IF YOU CAN'T STAND R. KELLY, STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN

(by Junichi)

R. Kelly suggests you not order the butter rolls.

Warning: explicit content below!

R. Kelly reminds me of the Bush Administration in that it's become impossible to satirize him because he is already standing at the extremes.

R. Kelly's lyrics have always bordered on laughably ludicrous -- from "You Remind Me of Something" to "Heaven, I Need A Hug." But his latest single, "In the Kitchen," is so utterly ridonkeykong that there is nothing left for 'Weird Al' Yankovic to parody.

Kel's slow jamz always blur the line between romantic and creepy, but this time, his song is an unabashed blended smoothie of buffoonery, sleaze, self-mockery, and stereotype with a boost of criminal behavior. The song seems to be an homage to Dave Chappelle's "Piss on You," which was itself a parody of R. Kelly's pedophilic urinating fetishes.

Did Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle ghost-write these lyrics?

I honestly can't decide whether the Pied Piper thinks he's being sexy/romantic or whether he's just trying to be funny.

You decide. Here's my attempt to transcribe the first verse, chorus, and bridge of his song:

VERSE 1:
Girl, you're in the kitchen
cookin' me a meal
Something makes me wanna come in there
and get a feel
Walk around in your T-shirt
with nothing else on
Struttin' past
switching that ass
while I’m on the phone

CHORUS:
Cuttin' up tomatoes
Fruits and vegetables and potatoes
Girl you look like so sexy doin' your damn thing
that I want …
Sex in the kitchen
over by the stove
Put you on the counter
by the butter rolls
Hands on the table
on the tippy toes
We'll be making love like the restaurant was closed

BRIDGE:
This is what I'm ready to do:
Girl - I'm - ready - to - toss - yo - salad!
while making love girl, I'll be feasting.

When I first got the advanced copy, I had to play it over and over because I was laughing so hard. That has to be the most utterly insane bridge of any song in the history of musical lyrics.

Here is my layman's paraphrasing of R. Kelly's story:

While Mr. Robert Kelly is dining in a restaurant, he notices one of the female chefs who is preparing his meal. He ponders entering the kitchen to grope her although he has no intent on discontinuing his cellular phone conversation. He is unsure why he feels the need to fondle her body, although he suspects it is because she is following the kitchen staff's dress code, which involves wearing only a shirt and completely exposing the groin and buttocks.

After watching the bottomless chef make a mysterious dish that contains diced tomatoes, fruits, vegetables, and potatoes, Mr. Kelly concludes that he would like to have sexual intercourse with her on the kitchen counter, which is near the butter rolls. The manner of their love-making will be uninhibited, as if the restaurant was not currently occupied by other diners.

At last, he declares to the chef that he is ready to feast. But in a surprise twist, Mr. Kelly announces that he prefers to fill himself up -- not by eating her meal -- but by engaging in anilingus while simultaneously penetrating her, despite the physical impossibility of doing so.