Monday, March 14, 2005


You know your Grandpa's dead when ...

  • Weekend at Kyujiro's! Kyujiro Kanaoka was known as one of Japan's oldest living men, at 107 years, although nobody had seen him in quite some time except for his three elderly children who lived with him. One of his three kids, however, suspected that his father was no longer alive. After following up on his hunch, it turns out that Kyujiro has been dead for ten years. It's hard to believe his three children didn't have some indication that their father passed away, like, for example, (1) he didn't move, (2) he didn't eat, (3) maggots were crawling through his decomposed mummified body.

  • The Saddest Love Story Ever: SoCal native Charles Gonsoulin had long hoped to finally visit, face-to-face, his girlfriend in Quebec who he met through the Internet. Unfortunately, he is barred from leaving the US because he once robbed a Pizza Hut in Arkansas. (You would think the US would happily let ex-convicts leave the country.) Thus, Charles traveled to North Dakota and illegally snuck across the Canadaian border in his quest to be with his love. Unfortunately, he got lost and was ill-prepared for the sub-zero temperatures. After spending 100 hours in the cold, he was found babbling incoherently on a golf course with his fingers and toes frozen. Alas, he (1) failed to meet his love, (2) is about to be deported, and (3) will have all of his fingers and half of his toes amputated beacuse of severe frostbite. At the deportation hearing, he said that he had no idea that any place on earth could be this cold. In summary, what will men do for love? Some are happy with getting a person's digits; others, apparently, are willing to lose their digits.

  • Guess who was an animal in his previous life? Scott Reed, football and track coach of Central Linn High School in Oregon, is facing disciplinary action after reports that he -- brace yourself -- licked the wounds and cuts of his football and track athletes. Personally, I think a coach who is willing to lick the bleeding scabs of his players should get an award. You would think, however, he might've been aware of the dangers of disease transmission since he also taught science. I propose that the high school's motto be changed to "We Take A Licking, But Keep on Ticking."

  • The End of Irony: One of The Onion's latest headlines is: "Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy: 'We'll Go Through Iran.'" It's sad when the Onion can't come up with a fake headline that's any different than our actual foreign policy. As The Daily Show has pointed out, our country's policy in the Middle East seems to be to spread irony everywhere.