Monday, February 14, 2005


Jack White = love-child of Michael Jackson and Johnny Depp
Loretta Lynn = winner at the county fair

Usually, the Grammys are four torturous hours of cringe-worthy nominations, undeserving winners, insomnia-curing acceptance speeches, and performances that compare in pleasure to toasting my scrota in a waffle-maker. But I agree with Bono: last night's awards show was "the best Grammys I've ever seen." Granted, the bar is extremely low.

Some comments:

* The opening quasi-mashup medley with the Black Eyed Peas, Gwen Stefani & Eve, Franz Ferdinand, Maroon 5, and Los Lonely Boys was brilliantly executed, given the material the producer had to work with. For starters, it's hard to do much interesting with Maroon 5 (the new Counting Crows) and Los Lonely Boys (the new Los Contando Cuervos). And it would take a meth and ecstasy cocktail for me to get excited about hearing, for the 34,928th time, the song formerly known as "Let's Get Retarded," which has already been killed thanks to the Democratic National Convention, the NBA, the Urbs, the sorority parties, and your mother, who thinks she's hip because she owns a "hip hop" album. But all in all, it was a solid intro.

* Memo to Gwen Stefani: if you're going to reduce Japanese girls to your fashion accessories, at least give some fetish love to Japanese boys, as well. I'm looking for a new job, you know?

* I love Ray Charles and would happily shower him with Grammys until he had golden gramophones sticking out the distal orifice of his alimentary canal. But Genius Loves Company, the best-selling album of his career thanks to Starbucks' inclusion of it in its "The Only Four CDs You Will Buy This Year Because You Are Lame and You Buy Your Music at Starbucks" series, did not deserve Best Album. Nor did his entirely forgettable duet with Snorah Jones deserve Record of the Year.

* The big hype prior to the evening was that J. Lo and her latest husband, Mark Anthony, were to "publicly perform for the first time," which sounds more appropriate for amateur night at a Tijuana strip joint. Little did I realize that their duet would be a re-enactment of a climactic scene from last season's Telemundo Novela "Pasion de Gavilanes." Mark Anthony looked quite passionate when crooning about his insecurities from failing to attract paparazzi like Ben Affleck and P. Diddy. But J. Lo looked bored as hell, exuding less electricity than an Amish blackout.

* At least Lynyrd Skynrd didn't use their typically-ubiquitous confederate flag.

How many times were you robbed last night, Kanye?

* Normally, Kanye West has the stage presence of a spelling bee announcer. But last night, Kanye (and his church dancers) deserved an award for that exhilarating performance. He probably was wired with adrenaline after praying on national television to win the Best New Artist award, only to demonstrate his complete disappointment when he lost. (Apparently, Jesus walks with hustlers, killers, murderers, drug dealers, and even Maroon 5.) Yes, Kanye was robbed. But on second thought, I like Kanye and don't want him to end up in the same class as Hootie & The Blowfish, Milli Vanilli, and the Starland Vocal Band.

* What can overshadow any Grammy win? James Brown bestowing you the "Godson of Soul." Isn't it enough, God, that Usher has a washboard stomach, Michael Jackson's dance moves, a member of TLC in his list of ex-girlfriends, and he's cute and cuddly like Monchichi? Please tell me that "Confessions, Pt. III" will be about his battles with chlamydia.

* I don't have time to research this, but I'm quite confident that John Mayer's "Song of the Year" for his cheesy ballad, "Daughters," should be revoked because he stole the lyrics from a Hallmark card.

* Memo to E!: Fire Kathy Griffin. Please. She is the only person in the world who can actually make me miss Joan Rivers.

* Bill Clinton won a Grammy for Best Spoken Word album. Who knew a commander in chief could slam?

* Grammys I'm most happy about:
    • Best Dance Recording: "Toxic" - Britney Spears
    • Best Electronic/Dance Recording: "Kish Kash" - Basement Jaxx
    • Best Latin Rock/Alternative Album: "Street Signs" - Ozomatli
* Grammy I'm least happy about:

    • Producer of the Year: John Shanks. I agree that John Shanks deserves an award -- after all, he fullly utilized all the latest advanced technology to create an entire album around Ashlee Simpson. But can anybody even hum "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson or "Fly" by Hilary Duff?