Friday, February 18, 2005


Indecency Alert: Depraved by the Bell!

With the current crackdown on indecency in network and basic cable television, it's hard to find the gratuitous sex, explicit dialogue, violent content, and obscene language that I refer to as "good TV."

Indeed, the only reason I purchased TiVo was to utilize their "Search Using a WishList" function, in order to find shows whose summaries include my favorite key search terms like: 'chocolate starfish,' 'Lucky Pierre,' 'grundle-chug,' or 'Blanche DeVereaux.'

But with so many channels and misleading titles like "Wife Swap" or "Two and a Half Men," I have a hard time locating the graphic gratuity that truly tests the stamina of my remote control's pause button.

Thankfully, there's now an organization and a website to compile the nastiness for me: the Parents Television Council (PTC).

This organization is apparently comprised of sex-positive, free-thinking, anything-goes parents who seek to make life better for corrupted degenerates like myself (and O-Dub).

The PTC has a Family TV Guide, which, among other things, tells me which shows are more likely to offer me the sex, language, violence, and glimpses of David Caruso's backside that I seek in a quality television show.

For example, the hip parents at the PTC recommend I watch Desperate Housewives because if I tune in, I'm likely to peep a married woman doing the Humpty Dance with her teenage gardener. The PTC's numerous "red light" ratings for that show practically guarantee that I'll be titillated before the first commercial break.

Likewise, the PTC's Guide saves me from wasting time fast forwarding through 7th Heaven to see if Simon will ever get to 7th base, because I will only find "responsible themes and traditional values."

But the PTC offers more than just a handy roadmap to the best fuel for one's sinful imagination.

The PTC actually hosts some T-N-A! (See bottom right corner of above photo.)

The thorough researchers at the PTC have rigorously combed through every show on TV to isolate the clips that contain the most graphic content ... and then they post them for immediate public viewing and downloading on this page! Wow! Easy! Free! Hot!

With these clips a click away, why waste time sitting through CBS' "Without A Trace" when you can instantly view the infamous "teen orgy party" clip here in all its unedited glory? Boob tube, indeed!

I want a job at the PTC! I'd love to get paid to pursue my prurient interests and help the public interest, at the same time. I imagine, however, that it would be hard to isolate just one nasty scene a week for their "Clips Gallery."

Needless to say, the Parents Television Council is Pretty F-ing Cool. Or should I say, the PTC is P.F.C.!

Thanks, Parents, for simplifyng my life by publishing this carnal directory for me.

* * *

Wait ... this just in ... The L.A. Times reports that "Once-Conservative Adelphia Adds Hard-Core Porn to Cable" in SoCal. Never mind. I don't need you anymore, PTC.

Credit: Defamer, Wonkette, TDS.